The Grace of God

i have to force myself to write this blog. "why", you ask," would you need to force yourself to write a blog about the miracle that is your pregnancy?" well (and believe me - i will blog about this later) this pregnancy has been really stinkin hard. that is all i am going to say about that.... for now. what i really want to write about is how blessed i am to have been witness to Gods hands at work. i am talking about the big moments in your life when you look back and say "wow, my life could have been a lot different if this hadn't happened." i mean like the time i was being tailgated on the highway at midnight - nobody else on the road for miles, no reason to tailgate - and the one time after about 10 miles that i decide to break check the guy, i look up and there is a huge deer in the middle of the road. do you understand!?! if i hadn't break checked the guy - i would have totally nailed the deer, and he was huge - at least 12 feet tall, with an additional 5 feet of antlers - so i probably would have died! i am talking about the time last spring when i was in the hospital for pneumonia and how i almost resigned myself to die as the doctor said "this isn't good. she is not getting any better. she is getting worse." that is when i started praying (like, in my heart - not my head) for God to help make me well, because my husband can't make eggs like i do and aidan would starve if i died. i was home 4 days later.

so this blog is about one of the times God looked down on me and said "this was my plan. next time lets work on the faith part a little more."

one fine spring break, when i was in college, i got sick (why do i do that?). really sick - and ended up in the hospital (the first time). i had this really bad headache - worse than a migraine and i would later discover, worse than childbirth. the medical staff at the er thought maybe meningitis, and with meningitis, comes spinal tap. and unfortunately, with spinal tap sometimes comes spinal headache. when they puncture your spinal column, they leave a hole and can you guess where the spinal fluid goes? out the hole, leaving you feeling like every slight move you make (breathing, talking, etc....) bounces your very dry brain around in your very dry skull. so, i presented in the er with a headache, and left.... with.... a.... headache, a worse one. anyway, this terrible illness left me very physically (for lack of a better description) messed up and for 8 months i stopped having periods. my ob sent me to a specialist and after many, many tests the specialist called me into his office and said "remind me why you are coming here." i think the deer-in-the-headlights (and i know what that looks like) expression i had must have been funny because he laughed and said "relax, you are pregnant." WHAT? how can you get pregnant without a period? this defied everything i learned in 5th grade sex ed. but 9 glorious months later, my first son, aidan was born. a miracle.

it was a little bit of a surprise when, after aidan was born, my little red friend didn't come back. i had just assumed that i would go back to normal. but, he was so fulfilling, i didn't worry about it until he turned 2 and i thought ' oh, my gosh. he is 2! i need to have another baby. right now!' my wonderful ob sensed my near panic and knowing my history, put me on medication right away. after 6 months, she added another. and 6 months after that sent me back to the original specialist. he put me on another medication, added some, took some away. until, finally, 2 years later, i was giving myself shots! and, not meaning to brag here, but i became expert at peeing on sticks! i did this for another 8 months. at this point, aidan is almost 6 and i am tired, and our bank account is empty, and my family is tired of me being crazy about having another baby. so, last Christmas eve, i prayed with my heart that God i surrender this to you - it is in your hands - i accept what ever plan you have for me - if that means not having another baby - i will feel blessed to have one - please forgive me for not trusting your plan sooner - i have faith in you - amen. and i woke the next morning feeling like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. i felt no burden, no worry. i was for the first time in 4 years, content to have the life God had given me. in the meantime, other things were happening in my life. my husband was struggling to wrap up the worlds longest masters degree, we were readying our home for sale, preparing for the inevitable move that would come with his degree, he was bouncing between temporary jobs, and i was in a job that was starting to wear thin on my nerves. we eventually moved.... to a place we hate. we miss our family, and our house wasn't budging. my mother-in-law found out she is really sick. we were in financial and emotional ruin. i was really depressed and thus lost a lot of weight. and, shortly after we moved, i had a miscarriage. God had deserted me.

that is when God said to me "shut up already - i have a plan." all within one month our home sold to a very stand up guy who during negotiations looked out more for us than himself. my husband got a raise which brought along with it a better healthcare plan. my mother-in-law had some really optimistic test results and is responding well to treatment. a plethora of jobs that are not 2400 miles away from our family began to open up allowing us to think more seriously about where we want to settle and about how very important being close to our family really is. this also allowed us to be more picky about the details of the job possibilities (healthcare plans, relocation cost, etc...)

and.... i became pregnant! i am 11 weeks tomorrow and so far feel really crappy. to which i say "thank you God!"